I strive for so many things in life. Being a good friend, being someone that’s lovable and aiming for my own career goals while I pursue getting even more recognized at my current job. Striving for a good economy while still being able to travel abroad and meet my all the friends I love.
And I find myself still being unable to reach for all these goals. I find myself being lacking in the social skills, I find myself being bad at making economical decisions and I find myself disgusting.
The worst part; I don’t know how to fight it. I have a lot of friends supporting me, especially one that’s currently not in Sweden. She’ll be back soon, but at the same time, I feel awful for putting my whole conscience upon her as she has her own problems to face when she arrives back in Sweden.
I hate the fact that I’m single. What I hate even more is the fact that I’ve been single my entire life. As my siblings has by this time had relationships, even if they’re young, and most of my friends has been in one, I feel left out.
People tell me ”Hey, it’s nothing special, and the day will come for you too!” People tell me ”Hey, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me!” People tell me ”Hey, we’re getting married.”
And I can’t help to feel so jealous. I can’t help to feel like I’m missing out. I get depressed at least once a week about this fact. It’s just not only having an impact on my mental health, but as well as on my physical. I get depressed about not having being able to fill in one of the steps of being an adult. About not seeing what others are able to see.
About being alone.
Because even with all my great friends, that’s what I am. A single adult. A guy that has reached the age of 23, a man with ambitions and dreams of the future, but has yet to fulfill one of the most basic things in life.
The worst thing is probably not knowing why. Why is it this way? Is it my personality? Is it my interests? Is it my looks? Is it how I speak? Is there someone talking shit behind my back? Is it something that I might’ve done in the past that’s still affecting me? Or is it just that I’m one of those unlucky few who never gets it right?
For what it seems like right now, it’ll be like this. For a long time. Question is; what happens when it all becomes too much?
Right now, I’ll try to keep on smiling. Because I like to smile. And I know people like me when I’m smiling.